A Self Induced Ordeal
by Anaroriel
Summary: An argument between Neal and his father ensues after Neal, presently engaged to Yuki, is caught kissing Kel. A character study of Neal and his motivations.


Sir Nealan of Queenscove led his beautiful fiancée, Lady Yukimi no Daiomoru down the staircase of the Queenscove ballroom for the Midwinter Ball. Everyone clapped politely as they descended, and as the couple made it to the bottom, the attention gradually returned to the next announced pair. Neal escorted his future bride to her seat next to Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan. The two women looked happy to see each other, and promptly began a conversation in quick Yamani. Neal rolled his eyes.

"Will I never hear a conversation between my wife and best friend in Common?" he asked with a dramatic sigh. "Is it too much for me to actually understand what you two are saying about me?"

"Who said we were speaking about you?" Yuki asked him, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Really, Neal, you have too high expectations for yourself." Yuki turned to Kel and said something in Yamani that made Kel laugh at her friends.

Neal tried to look bored as they continued to chatter. "Well, if you're going to act like that," he said finally, "then I am going to kidnap one of you so at least one will have to pay attention to me. Kel, my dear, since Yuki is making jokes at my expense, will you join me on the dance floor?"

Neal did not notice both of the women's faces as they turned completely emotionless. Kel glanced at Yuki worriedly and then said, "If it is all right with you, Yuki."

Yuki gave her a small smile. "It's quite all right; I'll just find a man here worthy of my affections. Oh, Myles!" she called. The elderly knight had just finished a dance with his wife Eleni and was leading her back to her seat. "Would you like to ask me for a dance?" She teased. Neal growled softly as Myles joyfully accepted.

Yuki stepped past Neal with a suggestive sashay, and Neal paused for a moment before leading Kel out to the dance floor.

"You should have asked your fiancée first, Neal," she chastised. "Not only did you disappoint Yuki, but you're making us a scandal now."

"I disappointed her?" Neal said with surprise. He could care less about the scandal. "She'll probably yell at me later when we're not in public." He winced. "How I look forward to that."

Kel shook her head. They danced a simple waltz in silence before they began to talk. "I hope New Hope is surviving without me," she said with a small smile.

"Stop worrying. They're doing fine. It's too cold for any attacks from the North, despite the abominable snowmen the Scanrans appear to be from time to time. Besides, you need a break to relax."

"In more ways than one."

"What's that supposed to mean, my ever optimistic Kel?" He raised his eyebrows in question.

The dance ended, but Kel had not answered. Neal led her outside to the balcony, despite the chilly weather. It was deserted for that very reason. "Nothing."

"Has a certain cousin of mine been bothering you? A Domitan of Masbolle?"

"Not bothering me, exactly. We just need a break in our relationship. It's going too fast, and I don't think I'm ready for that sort of commitment, and I don't think he is either."

"Ever practical Kel." Neal teased her. He noticed for the first time that she was wearing a pretty blue gown that contrasted well with her complexion, and her hair was brushed up uniquely to accent her eyes and delicate nose. At that moment he wanted her more than any other woman in the world. Without another thought, he leaned over and pressed his lips to hers.

It was a few moments before Kel pushed him away slowly. "Neal?" she said, with confusion in her voice. Her face had gone completely stony, and he knew in an instant he made a terrible mistake.

"Excuse me," he said, and he abandoned Kel at her most vulnerable on the balcony as he walked swiftly back inside. 'Where did that come from?' he wondered.

A hand clamped firmly on his shoulder on the way back into the ballroom. Before he knew what was happening, he was dragged into his father's study and pushed into a chair. "You have a lot of explaining to do." Duke Baird of Queenscove looked furious.

"Excuse me? Am I on trial here? I had no idea you were apart of King Jonathan's new inquisition squad, Father," Neal snapped.

Baird began to pace. "Here I thought my flighty son," Neal made an angry noise in protest, "had finally found the girl of his dreams and was going to settle down with her. And then tonight, I see you on the balcony with another woman?"

"It was just Kel," he sounded defensive, but when Baird stopped and really studied his son, Neal looked confused.

"And were you kissing Keladry?"

"No, that was just your imagination. Yes, I was kissing her, but that's none of your business!"

"Mithros, Neal! What have you done?" Baird sounded more upset about this than Neal had imagined he would be about such a thing.

"It was an innocent, friend to friend kiss, Father," Neal lied.

"That's not what I saw out there." Baird sat down heavily in the green leather chair next to Neal. "How could you do this to Yukimi?"

"So I kissed Kel. So what? I didn't mean it for anything serious."

"You sound like you are trying to convince yourself more than me," Baird shrewdly commented.

Neal began to get angry. "What does it matter? Right now, Yuki is out there dancing with another man." And yes, that man happened to be an older, married and almost grandfatherly figure to everyone in the room, but Neal tried to forget that. "So I kissed my best friend? Yuki won't be upset." Or at least he hoped nobody would tell her.

Baird couldn't believe his ears. "Have you even talked to the girl? Truly and honestly had a serious conversation about your upcoming marriage and relationship? I can't believe you think she won't be upset. She is hurting deeply, Neal, and she has such emotions beneath the surface that make me want to cry for the girl."

"What are you talking about? She's fine, perfectly fine! She is not hurting," Neal stood up and looked down upon his father, talking to him in such a way it seemed he was trying to convince himself more than his father. "Besides, how would you know, Father? You've scarcely met her a dozen times. I guess that would make you an expert on Yuki, now wouldn't it, opposed to me who's been courting her for over a year?"

"No, it does not, but the little I talked to her has revealed that she was hurting. I had naturally wanted to get to know my future daughter-in-law. Did you know she is nervous about her upcoming marriage? I asked her about her family and she was a bit hesitant when speaking of her father. I inquired a little further and discovered that he was unfaithful to his wife while Yukimi was a young girl, and it has made a terrible impact on the girl. She assured me that it was a normal occurrence in the Yamani islands, but that did not erase the insecurities that were obvious in her voice. I swore you would never practice infidelity, for it was against your very character, but I'm not sure after that display I witnessed earlier!"

Neal sat down and placed his head in his hands. "I would never to do that to her. I love Yuki."

"As you love your best friend?" Baird countered.

"Please, trust me. I am not in love with Kel; I've told you this before. She is my closest friend, my most trustworthy friend. I trust and love her, but not romantically."

"I don't think so, Neal. I honestly think…" He hesitated, but decided to continue speaking what he believed to be truth. "I think that since you decided you could not have Keladry –"

"What?" Neal demanded.

"Hear me out. Since you cannot have Keladry for reasons unbeknownst to me, you settled for someone very much like her. A Yamani girl who keeps her face expressionless. She is very much like Keladry in manner, but she is not the same girl. One day you'll wake up next to Yuki and realize that she's not the one you thought you had married."

"That's preposterous, Father." But Neal stayed silent, disproving nothing of his father's accusations. "She is afraid I'll be unfaithful?" he whispered in a voice that brought tears to Baird's eyes.

"Very much so." His voice hardened. "And after what I saw tonight, I don't blame her. You're not even married yet and you've already been unfaithful." His voice softened slightly. "You both have a tendency for flirting relentlessly with everyone, and I think your Tortallan methods scare her into thinking she'll lose you. She really does love you."

Neal shook his head as if to clear it and looked directly into his father's eyes. "I love Yuki too. I know her as her, not as Kel. And even if I did love Kel, which I am not saying I do, I still love Yuki for who she is, not who I see her as. You'll have to believe me. I don't know how to prove it any other way."

"That may be true, and maybe I misinterpreted what I saw. Maybe what I saw in the gardens was Keladry falling in love with you." Neal froze and then began to laugh.

"Kel is not in love with me, she is in love with Dom!"

"I wonder if, liken to you, since she couldn't have her heart's desire she has settled for one similar to him."

"I am not like Dom," Neal said heatedly. He loved his cousin, but Dom also drove him crazy. "He's immature and a flirt and –"

"And I rest my case." He held up a hand to keep Neal from protesting. "The point is, Neal, you need to settle this with Keladry very soon. You have to be certain that your lovers are who you really need and desire, and not just imitations of each other."

Neal's fingers ran through his hair in a frustrated manner, making it look unkempt and tangled. "I am a grown man, though that may come as a surprise to you, I really am an adult," he said, deliberately avoided what his father just told him. "Father, you cannot tell me what to do anymore."

Baird laughed. "I never could!" His face became serious as he studied his son. "But Neal, you need someone to tell you what to do now." There was a pause before Baird decided to proceed on dangerous ground. "I know that you have not been well," he said as gently as he could. "Almost… broken, if you will. Ever since the Ordeal…"

Neal jumped to his feet, ready for battle. "I don't want to talk about it! I am _not _a broken man!" His voice was on the edge of panic, and then Baird knew that something was seriously wrong.

"What happened during your Ordeal, Neal? It has been haunting you for years. You have tried your best to hide it from everyone, including Kel, but you could not hide it from me. I see it slowly eating you alive, making you unsure of yourself. It changed your affections for Yukimi, I remember that clearly. What was it?"

"I can't tell you," Neal said passionately, bitterness creeping into his voice. "Don't you realize that if it was within my power to reveal all, I would? I needed someone to talk about it with, but I can't!" Unbidden, he remembered that particular moment in the Ordeal. Two women stood fighting on opposing sides of the room, each consumed in a mortal battle with their Immortal foes. He had a moment, just a moment to choose between the two women he loved best, a feeling he did not realize he possessed for Yuki until that second, and on impulse and habit, he chose Kel. Kel managed to defend herself against the spidren that she faced, but Yuki was soon slain by the Stormwing's steel wings. He had chosen wrong. He swore never to chose wrong again.

But he did. And that very knowledge felt like burns on his heart. He just chose Kel over Yuki all over again with his traitorous kiss. If Yuki had seen the kiss or if any of the gossipers had, Yuki was once again being sliced to pieces because of him. He slowly sank to his knees.

"Neal?" His father said with alarm and hovered over his last remaining son.

"It's all right, Father, just going through extreme regret, that's all." He tried to make light of his internal anguish. He couldn't believe he was killing her _again. _He returned to the present time. "A knight is not supposed to tell anyone what happened to him during the Ordeal. Well, a strong and good knight, something apparently I'm not because it's affecting me so much. But then I've never been the ideal knight, have I? A late-starting, acid-tongued knight with a bad attitude, that's me. " His voice was self-mocking, but there was still hurt.

"Neal… If you would just tell me –"

I _can't._" Neal clenched his fists. He slowly moved until he was sitting in the chair he had been kneeling in front of. "Stop trying to heal me, Father. You can't. You've been trying for my entire life, but you can't heal me. You cannot heal a person's state of mind with your Gift. I have to deal with whatever is troubling me alone. Just let me go." His voice turned gentle and he turned his head away.

"This is about Gervase and Emry, isn't it?"

"Oh yes, since every psychological problem with me must go back to the deaths of my brothers." Neal said with sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"You never wanted to talk about them much when you were younger," Baird continued as if he didn't hear Neal. "Our family was barely told that they had died in battle, and then you announced to our grief-stricken family that you wanted to become a knight so that at least one member of our family upheld the tradition. Enthera was almost hysterical by your news, for she had just lost two older brothers and now she was afraid she'd lose another to war. I won't speak of your mother, for who can say truly of the grief of a mother who just lost two of her babies? I had my guilt and sorrow to deal with, and I knew it was important to you to at least start this in honor of your brothers. I presumed it was your own way of mourning their deaths."

"Papa, please," he said, returning to his old way of calling his father before he 'grew up'.

"I expected you to stop after the summer and return to the university. I never dreamed you would return when you seemed to hate it so. I guess I underestimated you, or guilt must have pushed you to continue when your resolve weakened. I knew you had a terrible quarrel with your brothers before you left. Was that the guilt driving you? You were not like them so it was understandable, I sometimes had trouble getting along with them too, but I loved them as a father so it was different for me."

"I am not like you, if that's what you're getting at. Just because we both have a hefty dose of healing Gift, doesn't mean we're identical." His voice was tired, too tired to have much heat or sarcasm.

"Deny it if you like. We are alike, but not identical. You have your own self. You're very passionate like your mother, if that makes you feel better, but you have your sarcasm to cover it up most of the time. I won't argue that you are your own person now, very different from me. You still managed to be a healer, which is most fortunate because you have such a gift for it. I just wish you could have gone back to the university as you should have."

"No, I shouldn't have. I wouldn't have met –" Kel. Neal's eyes widened with horror. "That's not what I meant. Kel was never meant for me."

"And why is that?" Baird asked gently.

Neal was silent for a long time. "I am her friend in the older brother way. She needs someone strong and persistent, and not afraid of love. Someone who will chase her because Mithros knows she never sees her love interest until it is made known and kept steady. She needs someone who will encourage her with words and tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is. She needs someone who will take control of the relationship, but will let her make her own decisions and be herself. I am not that man. I need someone who will discuss philosophy and books and romance but still tell me to eat my vegetables. I want someone who is as sharp tongued as I am, so I will not be afraid that I hurt her feelings because she will come right back with her own retort. I need someone who will encourage and love me, but be my equal partner in everything. Kel is not that woman for me. Yes, I have had some feelings for her in the past, but Yuki is… Yuki is someone I would risk incredible embarrassment for in order to tell her that I love her. I… I could never do that with anyone else."

Baird let that sink in slowly. "I'm sorry I accused you of not knowing your own mind. It's not blatantly obvious that you do."

"No, I needed it. I was… confused earlier. I made a terrible mistake. Did… did Yuki see Kel and me?"

"No, but I think you need to tell her, Neal. And then I think you need to tell her what you told me."

Neal looked uneasy. "All right, all right. I need to do that. And I need to talk to Kel." He didn't look like he was looking forward to it.

"Soon?"

"Yes." Neal turned to his father. "Thank you." In a rare show of affection for his father, he took him by the hand, lifted him to his feet, and gave him a hug.

Baird waited a few moments after Neal left, and then went in search of his wife. He found her chatting with a few of her close friends, and she gave him a look that said, "Where have you been all this time?"

Baird excused his wife from her conversation and led her to the dance floor. "You look beautiful tonight."

"Thank you," she said with a genuine smile. "Where have you been?"

"Having a talk with Neal I should have had years ago. You know, I was worried about him for a time. But now…I think he's going to make it. He will make us proud." He smiled warmly at his wife, and the two continued to dance.

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this story. This was my attempt at creating an emotional scene as well as reexamining my favorite character (and love of my life ;-) ), Neal. Any CC is appreciated.**


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